domingo, 29 de mayo de 2005

Estaba pensando en la lista de cosas buenas vs cosas malas y definitivamente creo que tengo muuuy mala memoria. En realidad en mi vida las cosas buenas son muchas más que las malas, pero la onda es que los últimos seis o siete años ha habido más cosas malas que buenas, o al menos una tras otra o no sé, pero de plano creo que no he tenido muchos momentos de paz y tranquilidad en los que pueda sentarme a disfrutar que 'por fin estoy bien conmigo y con el universo', por llamarlo de algún modo. Por ejemplo, aún no acababa de festejar el haber aprobado exitosamente todas las materias de este semestre cuando tuve que ponerme a pensar cómo diablos voy a juntar la lana para la próxima colegiatura (que ruego a Dios y hago changuitos que sea la última, poooor favooor!) Estoy tan cerca y a la vez tan lejos: dinero no hay, y a menos que robe un banco o me consiga en dos meses a un marido millonario, la cosa no va a cambiar.

Ahorita estoy bien, tranquila dentro de lo que cabe, las cosas que casi no se mencionan prácticamente no existen... y me estoy aferrando tontamente a que si no menciono mis problemas económicos, éstos se resolverán por la ley del mínimo esfuerzo. Pero ya me conozco, en un par de semanas entraré en la histeria total, luego seguirá la depresión, después despotricaré contra el mundo y sus injusticias y finalmente llegaré a la negación. Diré que no, que no me pasa nada, que no estoy afectada... que la vida sigue y hay que seguir adelante, aunque en el fondo lo único que desee sea tirarme por la ventana.

Me ha tocado navegar en aguas revueltas, eso es un hecho, y aunque sé que hay gente en mucho peores condiciones que las mías, no dejo de sentir envidia por todas aquellas que la han tenido demasiado fácil. No sufren porque lo tienen todo (hay cosas que el dinero no puede comprar: para todo lo demás existe Mstercard) y muchas veces lo han obtenido de formas deshonestas, pero igual lo tienen todo. Y mientras uno está aquí picando piedra, estirándole aquí y allá, soñando con la idea de que algún día también lo tendrás todo, consolándote diciendo que no se siente la misma satisfacción si consigues las cosas por tu propio esfuerzo a que si te las regalan o te las ponen en bandeja de plata. Pero mientras sufres, y sufres mucho. Aunque una cosa es cierta: si el 16 de diciembre de 2005 logro subir al estrado a estrechar la mano del rector y recibir un papelito que diga que soy ingeniera química y de sistemas, sé que lo haré prácticamente al borde del colapso emocional: sólo Dios sabe el tiempo, dinero y esfuerzo invertidos en este sueño, la cantidad de vida (y no sólo mía) que se ha ido en este maldito sueño que me empeñé en soñar. Y aunque decir '16 de diciembre' no cuesta mucho, y esperar a esa fecha sólo llevará poco más de seis meses, estoy en el mismo punto que al principio de la historia: ten cerca y al mismo tiempo tan lejos, a punto de tenerlo todo pero a un paso de quedarme sin nada.

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